What A Dinner

I had the weekend off and popped round to the other half's, as it was a lovely evening we went out to the local pub and had a Carvery.

This meal almost killed me, that huge brown thing with the gravy in is a Yorkshire Pudding, it was the size of a childs head. I was left bloated and feeling sluggish.
The Beef, Gammon and Turkey was so succulent that it literally fell off the fork, it was a lovely meal and with such lovely company too.

A Right Result

I popped into my town center today, and as i walked back home I walked through the market and noticed a book stall.

The first thing I spotted were set of books called The Belgaraid
And a second set of books called The Malloreon
These are the very first set of fantasy books I ever bought and which I still love to read now.

I purchased all ten books and look forward to reading them all over again.

Another Weekend Off

I spent a good evening with my kids yesterday, traveling to Southend straight from work, and getting huge hugs off my son, worth it for the journey alone.

We went for an MD's which I must stop eating, and then pottered off to the local bowling alley.

I came last both times (the only had small grip bowling balls, thats my excuse) my eldest winning with her oh so casual throwing of the balls.

I spoke to my ex today and my son loves the Meccano set and wanted to build the thing straight away, my daughter will have to wait though as her birthday is on the First.

I'm off to see the better half (as she calls herself) this afternoon, and guess what I have to take a train to London once more only to change and get another train out to the other halfs.

So a good weekend will be had.

Back on nights from Tuesday so my weekly rota starts all over again.

Not Impressed ... Not Impressed At All

As you might remember I had to give my car back to the financial people last November.

I arrived home last night to a letter from the company, telling me that unless i make contact with them with in the next seven days they would be taking legal actions and that the outstanding balance could increase significantly (there words not mine). Also on the latter were the words; Please call me on the above number or write to me at the above address.

Now there was a surprise, as this is the very first letter I have received from the Company about my balance. I thought right as it's late I'll ring them in the morning.

I looked long and hard at the letter, turning it every which why I could, I looked on the back, I even held it up to a light bulb, but for the life of me I could not see the telephone number or an address to write back to.

This morning I used good old Yell to find the number and contacted them.

I rang the number and went through to the Cambridge office, who gave me the number for the Nottingham office.

I rang that number, then heard the lovely tones and the words "I'm sorry this number is not recognized"

So back to Cambridge I went "Ok I'll give you the head office number which is based in Nottingham". I thought to myself "Why didn't you do that in the first place?"

At last I was through to the department I needed to speak to.

I mentioned about this being the first letter and that there was no number or address for me to contact. My reply "Oh it's a standard template and mustn't have printed out properly".

After finally getting that out the way after the man on the phone had apologized profusely and got down to talking about my account.

Half way through the conversation I asked about a settlement figure, the man on the other end of the phone say "I can't give you one right now as I haven't got the right value of the outstanding balance"
"Sorry"
"The branch in Kettering haven't taken the amount from the car sale off your total, so I can't give you a correct price so I will have to chase up th amount and get back to you in about four days time."

After I confirmed all my details with the man on the phone, I put the phone down I was left feeling deflated and thinking:

a) Why send me a threatening latter when you haven't got all the correct details and can't talk to me anyway.
b) Do these separate offices actually speak to each other.
c) You have all my details already why not just ring me.
d) where's the nearest pub.

Naughty Old Lady

I almost forgot about this.

I was in the office on Tuesday morning when one one of my regular little old ladies walked along the overbridge at my station and made a be line to my Passenger Help Point (PHP).

I thought something was wrong when she pressed the assistance button, but instead of waiting for a reply, she just carried on walking.

Myself and a colleague couldn't believe it, this normally happy little old lady being a menace by pressing the button and scarppering.

On Wednesday I happened to be on the gate line when the little old lady reappeared entering the station.

As she walked passed me I said "You were a naughty woman yesterday weren't you"
"What do you mean"? she asked.
"You do know that as soon as you press the assistance buttons that recorded cameras focus immediately on to the PHP don't you". I replied.

Before you think I'm bluffing that's true, all PHP's have cameras monitoring them, on my station we have two on each one.

Looking slightly embarrassed at being caught she turned to me and said "Oh I lost my balance".

What can I say to that.

Tattoo Update

I popped in to see my tattooist today and I've finally decided what my final design will be.

All I need to do is wait for Matt my tattooist to draw up the image for me, and then start the work. He told me it will be about seven hours work to complete the piece, so roughly £500 of art work.

I've also decide to get five more tattoo's two on my forearms and one across my lower back which should set me back another £150.

My legs will be last as I haven't decided on those yet.

When Iget these done I will post the pictures on this blog, would post my back piece but I don't have a proper picture of it yet.

Why Men Hate Shopping

I went shopping for my son's and No2 daughter birthday presents today, I popped into Hamleys toy shop on Regents Street, it's the first time I have ever been into this shop. I wanted to by my son Knex or Magnetix as it will get his head working instead of sitting on the Playstaion all the time.

I picked up a box Knex with 425 pieces to build , then I turned around and saw this Meccano, and thought "Yes that's for my boy".

A remote controlled Lorry, Car and a Bull Dozer, the last one taking me a while to work out.

As I departed Hamleys I was bombarded by one of the shop assistants.

"Would you like a loyalty card".
"No thank you".
"It has lots of perks".
"No thank you".
"You can save the points".
"No thank you".
You can redeem the points at Christmas".
"Once again no Thank you".
"You can ...." as I interrupted.
"Look, this is my first time in this store, I'm almost 40, do you think I'm ever likely to be in here again and do I look like I want a loyalty card, ask your self this, if someone says no thank you as many times as I have done and still get asked if I want a card, would you want one".

I then put my ear phones back in and walked out leaving the assistant red faced.

I traveled home and popped into Phones4U, to purchase a new mobile for my daughter and into more trouble. it felt like a Monty Python sketch.

"Can I buy a Sony W300i"
"Yes you can but only in T Mobile"
"That's ideal as my daughters sim is T Mobile already"
"Well you need to top up the sim when you purchase the phone"
"I don't need another sim as my daughter already has a T mobile sim"
"Oh it's company policy, you buy £10 credit if you buy by card or £20 credit if you buy by cash"
"So I need to top up a sim for no reason"
"Yes and then your daughter can use the new number"
"I don't want me daughter to have a new number as she has one already and all her friends know her number, plus she will have to text all her friends her new number and transfer all the old numbers across as well."
"But as I've already explained you get a new sim with the new phone and that is our policy."
"In that case good bye then."
I popped into Argos and purchased the same phone with none of the hassle, thank you Argos.

The last thing to upset me is the bloody blister on the back of my left heal where my work boots rubbed it raw.

One Fuckwit Born Every Minute.

Work was fairly quiet today until just before home time.

I was sitting in my office when I heard a train give a long blast of the train whistle. When ever you hear this, you know there is likely to be a problem.

Take today's little problem, some fucking retard had decided to place stickers over the lens of two of my cameras. One of the cameras were for station use, the second camera is essential for train operations, as it lets the train operator view the whole of the train.I wasn't impressed.

I now have to work for a living, so I was straight out the onto the platform to give the second right, this means I have to give permission for the train to depart my station.

As the train departed I tried to ring the Line Controller, and whoever was on the desk was taking ages to answer the phone, over 90 seconds to be precise , I thought f**k waiting for an answer and rang the emergency number and finally the Controller picks the phone up over 30 seconds later.

I'm just glad I didn't have a really serious problem.

I told the Controller that I was going to use a train as protection and hold it in the platform, then jump up on a chair and scrap the lens clear.

As I held the train in the platform and scrapped most of the gum from the sticker off the lens, you still couldn't see fuck all. I let that train depart and sent me colleague off to get a wet scrubbing cloth, and luckily being six foot plus I could just reach the camera and continued to clean it.

Hey presto success, a clean lens and an OK from the next train operator.

The other camera I had to leave as it was a station camera so I just placed a job for a night time clean.

So do me a favour, if you're going to be a twat, don't put your fucking stickers on our cameras as it can cause service disruptions and other problems.

Take Your Bloody Headphones Off

A customer wandered up to me and asked how to get to Warren Street, "three minutes" I replied.

"How long?" she asked.

Holding up three fingers "Three Minutes"

Customer "Five minutes"

"No Three" says I

"Two minutes" say she.

As I pointed at my raised fingers, (no not THE finger) and counted out the three visible and said once more "Three minutes", comprehension finally dawned.

So do me and all the staff at LUL a favour, if you want to know directions, buy a ticket or just want to ask a question, please do not wear headphones with music playing, please don't continue to talk on your mobile then get pissed off when a booking clerk asks you a question like "What ticket do you require?" and if you walk off when being given directions, please don't have the audacity to come back five minutes later and ask me the same questions again.

Confused And A Bit Worried.

I arrived at work this morning and became a bit worried about my night turn colleague.

 

As I tidied up the office desk as he is a bit a of a untidy bugger and found written on a peace of paper "Supervisor ***** ******** ****** (enter station name)"

 

This has got me thinking that my colleague has forgotten where he works.

An Up And Down And Up Again Sort Of Day

I woke up feeling really refreshed this morning, and I was in such a positive mood that I literally bounced down the my local station to start work.

I arrived at work, full of the joys of spring, and even The Hamster couldn't offend me, although when he got changed in front of me that did gross me out.

As I settled down a few problems on a couple of lines were all I had to worry about.

I little while later I was shocked to read this on my friend the train drivers blog, and even more shocked when I got an apology via a text from her.

I rang my friend up and was upset to hear her crying down the phone, so I tried to console her over the phone which I don't think really worked.

Work carried on and absolutely flew by, the reason for this was i was going to travel up to see my other half.

Around 1:30 there was a loud banging on my office door, I looked at the monitor and thought "Who the f**k is that".

I opened the door to find my other half had come down to London to meet me, i was a bit shocked and stunned and then in a very good mood.

We spent a pleasant afternoon and most of the evening together ending up in a nice pub down by Kings Cross.

Unfortunately by 9pm we had to go our separate ways, she on her way to her place and me on my way to mine.

Oh well another day tomorrow.

Bored

That's how I felt all day, nothing happened all shift, I spoke with my colleague next door a few times during the day, but as he was flagging from before he even started, he wasn't up for much of a chat.

The highlight of my shift was when my station cleaner jumped away from the desk with the loud of exclamation of "SHIT" when I received a text message and my phone screams out "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition".

For F**K Sake

I walked into the office this morning and was so impressed with the competence of my night turn colleague.

"Oh just to let you know, the DVA (Digital Voice Announcer) isn't working" he says.

"Have you tried turning off the PC?" I replied.

"Yes" he says.

As I leaned over and switched off the mains to the pc which are clearly marked "PC DVA" then switch it back on again.

"Oh" he says "I turned it off the switch under the monitor."

I looked at him and thought this blokes a fecking retard and told him "No that just switches off the monitor."

Feeling Out Of Sorts

I woke up this morning at 4:15 and as I started to get ready for work, I really felt like just ringing work and telling them I'm sick.

I struggled into work and once there I thought bugger this I want to go home, I just couldn't be bothered.

Around 8:15 my ex wife called to tell me that my daughters school report had arrived and that although she was struggling with Maths, she was excelling at English and French and doing really well at her other subjects.

That put a small smile on my face, but still I felt at a loss.

As I was feeling pretty fed up a colleague of mine came down to cheer me up, and yes it worked, also getting a nice message from the new lady in my life helped even more.

By the time work finished and I had traveled home to Wellingborough, the sun was shining and I felt much happier about life again.

When I got home the first thing I did was get out of my work cloths, turn on the PC, play some music and sat out in the back garden and poured myself a beer.

I'll Kill Him

Excuse the title, as I wont really.

The reason I feel this way, is because on of the CSA's i work with is one street away from winning some monies via the McDonalds Monopoly, I've now had my seventh Big Mac and Fries in eight days.

Tuesday being the obvious day not to go to MD's...Although I will need to get my new young woman a Quarter Pounder soon if I want to live.

If anyone out there has Bond Street going spare, please feel free to contact me.

Daughters Are Such Lovely People.

I got home from work last night feeling shattered.

I had a bite to eat and crashed into my bed at 1:30, read two lines of my book about 15 times when my eyes finally slammed shut and remained closed.

7am this morning the phone beside my bed starts ringing, I picked up the phone and in a dead tired voice

"Hello"

"Hello this is 0800 REVERSE, you have a message from ***** (daughters name), will you except the charges, if so please say yes"

In a dead voice "Yes"

"Hello daddy, can you call me after 8am please" click

That was it just one bloody line, and now as I'm having trouble going back to sleep.

Cheers oh daughter of mine.

Buggeration And Happiness

I arrived at work, feeling dead on my feet and walked into a crap service, I really didn't feel like coming to work, but like a brave little soldier I made the effort and wished that I had stayed home. Problems on the Northern, Bakerloo and Central had me once more changing my Pa's more times then I would like to remember.

Yesterday's date went extremely well, unfortunately I now have to wait another ten days before I see the young lady in question, I now have a lovely young woman in my life, and I must admit, I'm a lucky sod.

Last Day Of The Week

I'm glad that this is my last day, as I've said before I absolutely hate this working week.

It's been and up and down sort of week, what with signal failures, congestion, staff shortages, chatting, having McDonald's three days in a row, and basically other lunacy happening throughout the course of a very long week.

Tomorrow I have a day off and believe it or not I'm off on a date, I've been chatting with a lovely young woman for the past couple of weeks and we are finally meeting up tomorrow for a coffee, a chat and maybe a nice bite to eat.

Hopefully the weather holds up as I'm looking forward to it.

I Feel Down Today

Last night I upset a friend.

Because of this i didn't sleep very well last night, so I'm feeling a bit out of sorts.

I Hate This Shift

This week I am working a shift that I abso-fecking-lutly hate.

My shift start at 11am and finish at 7pm. So I am up at 8am and I get home just before 8pm, so that means for a whole week I can't do bugger all.

It really just suck the life out of you.

I Had To Laugh.

When I got to work this morning, I saw a headline in the Metro news paper:

Tube improving under TfL.

After reading the article I thought to myself. Improving. Where. What line. What Stations.

I then thought about my own station which is currently 13 months late in being handed back to LUL and around £4.5 million over budget.

The signal failures that keep reoccurring on the Mets, Circles and Hammersmith and City line services.

Take Embankment for example, twice in two days, signal failure.

I agree there are more trains running on all lines, however this is contributing more to the delays on the lines then anything else.

Congestion at certain key parts of the network, Aldgate, Edgware Road and Earls Court and on other lines too.

After working almost 19 years on this job, I think it's only been recently that I had heard of this anywhere on the network, yes we do get a thing called blocking back, but never congestion.

I was told yesterday by one of my contractors, that they will be moving to another station soon, but that station is on schedule, the reason, the contractors learned from the mistakes being made at my station.

It was nice to be told that.

As Quick As That

As work trickled along at a steady but slow pace, I was on the phone to a friend, when the at 20:15 the Line Controllers radio burst into action.

"L/C to all trains approaching Kings Cross westbound, we have multiple track failures at Kings Cross and staff will be going down onto the track to secure the route, trains between Liverpool Street and Farringdon and are in platforms please stay in the platforms"

Oh Dear

That's all it takes to screw up the service.

The Mets were suspended Baker to Aldgate, H&C were severe delays, and the Westbound circle was completely suspended.

Five minutes later everything was suspended then running again then suspended again. The service suspended twice in total with a 20 minute gap between trains. So I had three trains travel through my station in just over an hour.

The one thing I did note was that we didn't have one angry customer, we had quite a few.

The actual cause, five signals outside Kings Cross were remaining at danger (staying RED) so trains have to apply certain procedures to pass the signals safely.

The only positive thing about the delays and suspensions, was that a friend of mine who works on the job and lives in the same town as me missed the 22:25 home and got on the same train as me, so I got a lift home instead of walking.

Easter Is Over

Another Easter gone, and I had a really nice time. Apart from my son being ill for the first couple of days, the kids enjoyed themselves too.

Lots of eggs were eaten, they had a visit from there Nan Aunt, and I got a couple of eggs too.

My daughter told me she doesn't like sleeping on her own and snuck into my bed around 2:30, and what is it about women or daughters, they still manage to nick the duvet.

I have a nice four and a half hour trip ahead of me today as I head off to Southend and then work.

Hopefully there is no over runs of engineering works anywhere to hold up my journey.

Oh well I will be home at 1am tonight, which will be nice.

It's Good To Be Dad.

As you know from my last post, my son wasn't to well last night. So instead of putting him in his own bed, I let him sleep or more like crash out in my bed.

When i went to bed myself about 1ish the benefit of putting my son into my bed was obvious. He was like a little hot water bottle.

He fidgitted through out the night, but didn't wake up once.

This morning he woke me up at 7 am, and instead of being upset by this (as you don't worry about things like that when you have a sick child) he cuddled up to me and said.

"Dad I love you" now those words make life worth it.

Twice In Two Days

That's how many times I've had blood on my hands in two days.

Last night it was the customer who likes to head butt trains, today's was a lot more personal.

I picked my kids up for the Easter break today and my son hasn't been feeling too well, he's a bit bunged up with a bad cold and not feeling well at all.

When i got home i popped into town to get him some Calpol and cough syrup.

He has perked up through day and said he was hungry, so off we all went to get a KFC.

On the way to KFC my son vomited his medication and a packet of crisps onto the floor and both of our shoes.

Unfortunately he vomited that hard he caused himself to have a nose bleed. So being a caring dad and not worrying about things, my hand and my sleeve came to the rescue.

So it's been a week of vomit and blood.

Another Night In Paradise

I fairly quiet night, until just 9pm.

As I sat in the office I heard a loud thud from platform two, a few seconds later I caught sight of two men walking across my over bridge, one of the men holding his head. Ah I thought what have we here.

As I watched the man holding his head, I noticed blood flowing down his hand and over his face.

SHIT!!!

I made my way up to the ticket hall area, and after checking the man was OK and stable I lead him to my office, to clean his wounds.

He now has a nice one inch gash straight along his fore head. How did he get the wound, by rushing for a train and head butting the outside of the train door.

So like the good Samaritan I called for an ambulance, but after waiting 55 minutes, the gentleman left the station to make his way by train to the next stop to go to the UCH.

Three minutes later the ambulance arrived.

Wow Another Double

One of the night turn supervisors have gone sick, and as the group is so short on SS I'm booked in for another double shift.

I will then belt off down to Southend to collect my kids and bring them to mine for the whole of Easter.

So I win both ways.

Oh The Joy Of Management

I was at home when one of my colleagues rang me to see what time I would be in today.

I said I'd be in around my normal time, and asked what was wrong.

My colleague (who is covering the meal breaks) told me he has a back to work interview with one of our DSM's around the two o'clock mark.

No worries as I'm normally in at 14:20 to let the early man get away.

When I arrived at work to find the meal relief man had already gone to see the manager.

At 14:30 my colleague who had gone to see the manager rang me at work.

Guess what, the manager in question was no where to be found as he had gone to a meeting.

And The Night Continues

I don't know what's more stressful, passengers or contractors.

Now that the station has now closed and I get a large influx of contractors, only 38 tonight.

One of my contractors arrived at 23:30 and started looking around the station looking for different rooms where he and his gang of desperado's were due to work, he finally came to the office to ask me where these rooms were as he couldn't find them.
This was over an hour after he had arrived and about three minutes before the last trains considering I only have two platforms and 23 rooms not including the ticket office complex, I was starting to get worried.

I told him to come back when I've closed up as I could help him then, so by 01:00 I had the station closed and started to relax when the contractor in question arrives with another contractor in tow, as this contractor has to sign out a certain key that only he can because it's going into a secure room.

I asked what rooms the first contractor was going into and he said he had found them and showed me a peace of paper with five door numbers written on it.

"Why do you need this other contractor to sign out the key?" I asked.

He replied "As it's in a secure room."

"ER no it isn't it's only a switchroom".

"Oh"!!!!

Once this has been sorted another contractor arrives, this time to actually work in my office (no rest for the wicked it seems). This contractor wants to work on the electric to the air intake supply to the office, as he starts to work on the system his colleague appears with a huge battery operated light, as the power supply is hidden away under the stairs in my office.

It was question time again

"Why do you need that?" I asked.

"It's very dark and I can't see what I'm doing otherwise" the contractor says to me.

So I replied "Why not use the light that's sitting on the table right in front of you?".

"Oh"

The contractor finished before 2:15 which was nice, unfortunately the part of the system that's broken need to be completely replaced, and some of the tiles will need to come down in the office complex, however that will be tomorrow or Thursday.

"No worries" I said "I'm not on nights from tomorrow onwards so you can do what you want as I'm not here."

This is going to be one long night shift.

At least listening to Deep Purple's Made in Japan has help me rock on through the night.

I Found This Interesting

I was messing about with Google at work, however this wasn't what I was actually looking for.

It's a nice little site all about tiles that are used on some stations through out the Bakerloo and Piccadilly lines.

If you check the Historical Underground Map section it gives you details about when stations opened and some closed, station name changes and other stuff too.

Why Did I Agree To The Overtime

I believe it's a full moon out tonight, it must be as the fools are out in force, fair play to the C2C customers, being trapped on a train in the warm April day mustn't have been much fun, however because of the passengers absconding onto the track, a track search from Whitechapel to Barking has been going on since 6pm.

However around 9pm another report of fools on the track, this time in the Uxbridge area, what is it about passengers and live track tonight.

But my favorite of the night is the suited man who decides he is stonger then a huge train by thinking that having his foot wedged between the closed doors by the tip of dainty little foot will persuade the driver to open his doors, not a bloody chance mate.

I popped out of the office and politely asked him to remove his foot, "But I want to get this train and I want the driver to open his doors again".

What is it about some people that they think they have to get a certain train and only that train, the fact that the next train going to exactly the same place in seven minutes time just wasn't good enough astounds me.

However as it was a slightly stressful evening, I walked calmly walked up to the customer and said "It's up to you sir, you can remove your foot yourself, or I can grab you by the scruff of the neck and throw you off the station for being a pain in the arse"

Message received.

Glad I'm Not On C2C

I've just found out that the disruption being caused to the Hammersmith & City and the District line has been caused by customers who have been stranded on a C2C train somewhere near East Ham.

Apparently the train has been sitting in the middle of no mans land because of overhead power problems.

So instead of sitting pretty or train being detrained by qualified staff, the passengers have disembarked on there own, staight onto the live District line tracks.

So plenty of LUL staff are now doing track searches in the area.

So much for a quiet night.

Fooking Idiot

My first day back and I have one loony toon already.

Lucky enough I caught a glimpse of someone vomiting profusely into his hands whilst standing on my platform, the next second he was chundering all over the lower part of the stairwell leading to my platform.

As I was about to get out of the office, he made a dash for my platform edge to carrying on spewing his guts onto the track.

Unfortunately I have a serious bend in my platforms, and when a train is in my eastbound platform, you can't see a train arrive into the westbound platform.

I dashed out of the office and grabbed the back of the bloke and yanked him back away from the platform, just as the train hurtled in to the platform.

More puke followed and luckily just missing me, the worst thing about it was the bloke wasn't pissed up just ill.

I directed him to the staff toilets to let him carry on hurling up bile and retching like there was no tomorrow.

After he finally finished, he cleaned himself up and went on his merry way.

So that was a lovely finish to my first shift back.

Make Mine A Double

As I sat at work this afternoon, my DSM called as there has been some confusion between one of my colleagues and one of the DSM's.

As a reserve colleaugue who was covering at my station had gone sick, there was no cover for the night turn duty at my station. So instead of having the station close between 23:00 and 07:30, the meal break man was pulled off of his duty to cover the nights.

I was asked by the late turn DSM if I fancied doing a double which entails me doing a 16 hour day with a 12 hour step back.

A little while later the DSM rang back and told me as we have a meal break man on Monday, come in at 18:30 instead.

So a nice return to work for me, and a nice bit of overtime at the new pay rate.

How To Make A Professional PA

I must thank my brother in for the following post, he sent me an email with a few announcements made by LUL staff. I especially like the last one.

Listed below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers on the London Underground:

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies and Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels."

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and back home each day and not even a card. "The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause.) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

Doesn't Time Fly

Today just happens to be the second anniversary of this blog, who would have thought two years ago when I first started blogging that I would still be going.

I wonder what trails and tribulations the next year will bring.

And Another LUL Blogger Joins The Fold

Believe it or not, we now have another LUL blogger sending his posts to the stratosphere, I would like you all to welcome a TOM. No he is not and old tart but a Train Operations Manager the most unfortunate thing about this character is he supports Watford, poor chap.

So feel free to go visit him here.

Now all he needs to do is get his wife to start blogging and you will have a DSM blogging too.